The parent/teenager relationship can be a roller coaster ride. As my fifteen year old son says, “Mom, we can have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows” — translating to the fact that we are super similar. We can be a lot of energy in one room — arguing at top velocity or laughing, connecting, on the same page, cruising along side by side at a combatable pace.
As my seventeen (18 in one week) year old daughter says of our relationship, “Jenny, we’re different.”
Whether you are similar to one of your children or the direct opposite the dynamics are fascinating and ever evolving. The complexities of establishing trust, maneuvering communication, and building healthy connection takes patience, humor and surrender. As I continue to learn from my children and practice this parent/child relationship thing here are a few things that support me in the patience, humor, surrender departments:
- Remember that everything changes (that phase they’re in, will be gone tomorrow) and when you treat someone like they’re capable –they show up with success. When I stop micro managing their lives, there is peace on the home front and eventually they learn on their own. As I let go of my agenda of NOW and step back, they do for themselves and blow my socks off.
- Having my own life separate from “mother” including work, interests, friends, hobbies, responsibilities, activities — creates a healthy divide and then I’m not up in there grill constantly. When I have nothing else going on, I forget all boundaries and start doing everything for them, ignoring their capabilities. This is also a really great way to annoy the crap out of them. Like their high school principal says at school dances, “face to face and leave some space”, can apply here. Back off mama.
- Make time to laugh together. I am so grateful for the recent stand up comedy popularity, Netflix, is our friend. The three of us find shared interest through laughing so hard we pee our pants. (Ok, I’m the only one who does this part — neither of them have had children yet.)
- Ask them what they need from you. When they say nothing, believe them, remembering the first bullet point, “everything changes.” Stick around for when they build trust and the nothing turns to something. Make it obvious that you care and that you are available if they do need you for something. And when they tell you, right then what they really need from you whether it’s simply a listening ear, a hug, friend advice or a pair of new socks, really listen. Honor their need to your best ability. I’ve learned from my opposite daughter that I push her away when I give advice when all she wants is for me to listen. When she does want advice she asks for it and at those times she receives it openly.
- Speaking of advice, before I give advice, I ask if I can offer a suggestion. Again, listen. If they say no, gracefully accept that answer. If they say, yes, gracefully offer up your suggestion of how to do something and unattach from their response. I’ve learned from my mini-me son that he receives suggestions after I have let him know I’m available to offer it, as opposed to just telling him how to do it. It’s a little dance where the offer is receiving so much more wholeheartedly than the telling them. After all as teens, they are wanting to learn how to do things on their own. And at the same time you don’t want your washing machine overflowing with soap sides. Remember to dance.
- Don’t take the snark, the sass, the hurtful words personally. Practice what you have been teaching them since they were little, and let their remarks be, “water off a ducks back.” Don’t empower their words that may touch a deep nerve. Let them be just words not their truth or your truth. Unattach.
Like the Beatles song says, “Let it Be” when it comes to growing and strengthening your relationship with your teen–allow things to just be that in five minutes, five days or five years won’t even matter. When they were little we said, “choose your battles”, now that they’re older choose to let go, to let be, to trust, and when they are going up and down on that roller coaster you can stay on solid ground, knowing, that everything changes.
For the kid similar to you, see their short comings as self reminders for your own growth and betterment and celebrate the shared life giving qualities.
For the kid opposite of you, accept the opportunity to learn from them. Step back and give them space, remove judgment of their ways that are different than yours.
Our children are our teachers, at every age. They’re never to young to teach us and we are never too old to learn from them.
Cheers, Jenny
