I purchased my first flip phone when our kids were wee little ones and I was somewhere in my early 40’s when I got my first smart phone. Going back into the archives, I do recall writing down directions or printing them off of an email if I was driving to a new location. I clearly remember calling my mom, friends, making appointments on our land line and scheduling clients in a calendar using a pen. Time felt slower. I enjoyed retrieving hand written letters from the mailbox. I have absolutely no recollection of dreaming of an easier, faster way to reach people, even though I may have thought it once or twice. I don’t believe I wanted everything in life accessible at the palm of my hand and I also don’t think I had any idea how much my life would change with one little phone in my back pocket.

 

Our children are now 20 and 18 and it was such a big deal deciding when to let them have a phone. The issues that I have, the problems that come up regarding my relationship with my cell phone have nothing to do with my children or husband’s phone use. The issues I have are all about me: the frustration, the love/hate, the overwhelm, the distraction, the annoyance, the confusion and put quite simply the disconnection.

 

It is so wonderful to text a friend “good morning” or remind my husband when he is traveling that it is his sisters’ birthdays, find a meditation, look up my bank balance, read daily inspiration, take pictures, share Tik Tok’s with my kiddos, search names of things, discover the weather, read movie reviews, set a timer for tasks, keep record of the books I have read, play online chess with my brother-in-law, challenge my brain with Wordle, schedule appointments, sign up for Row class, check in to doc appointments and the list continues. You too must have your own inventory of phone use appreciation. What’s your list of all the things you rely on from your phone?

 

For many the cell phone offers connection. And although I can say the same, it provides even more disconnection between me, myself and others. When I noticed how it was the first thing that I reached for I knew I had to make some changes. When I was snippy with my family, became annoyed with other’s phone use in front of me, found myself using my phone as my anchor: where to go, what to do, what to think, how to feel—-I knew it was time to make some serious adjustments.

 

Whether we hate or love our phone, use it constantly or occasionally—we have a relationship with it. Twenty years ago, we didn’t have relationships with our phones.  We had relationships with people, time, ourselves, nature, our intuition, our minds. Not that we don’t have these connections because of the cell phone but if we get 100% honest with ourselves our relationships with these people and things have dramatically shifted because of our phones. Since Covid we depend on our phones even more. The way the world is going we don’t have a choice. Everything is done online, on the internet and through our cell phones. I can’t avoid it even if I try: my physical therapist appointments require online check in, my RowHouse classes must be reserved, our daughter is away at college, my 90-year-old mother got rid of her land line, I have friends who live in other countries, my son’s soccer coach only communicates via an App and I can go on. Life happens and our phones tell us what’s next, where to go and where to put our focus. How many times have you yourself said or heard someone else say, ‘I would be lost without my phone?

 

And I haven’t even mentioned social media, saving that for its own section later.

 

Our phones are a functional tool that allows us to connect to our loved ones with ease and accomplish so many tasks. When I was noticing how it was interrupting my connection to myself and when my clients wanted to create new habits, change their relationship to distraction and sleep it was time for action. Action for me and action for those clients who wanted to throw away their phones and go back to the days of snail mail, face to face interaction, and less stress and distraction.

 

As my relationship continues to evolve with how I use my phone and as I work on making it work for me instead of against me, here are some things that I have tried and some tips that are helping me:

• Phone stays in kitchen at night.
  
• While making my tea/coffee in the morning, I plug into other things FIRST (my breath, my word of the day, my daily intention, my dreams, gratitude for what is in front of me, the sounds of the birds out my back door.
• Meditate and know how I want to feel, what I want to do and what my daily intentions are before turning on my phone.
• Move my body with a few stretches or yoga poses before posting the Instagram Story Daily Anchored Word, reading texts and before checking online chess games with brother-in-law.
• Look at email after all of the above.
• Turn off my phone in the middle of the day for at least an hour as I practice moving toward my goal of a longer period of time.
• Keep phone on silence.

 

Tips that are working for clients:

• Buy and use an alarm clock.
• Turn off phone one hour before bed.
• Not watching shows in bed.
• Having phone turned off and across the room, not on nightstand.
• Putting phone in back seat of car while driving.

When I don’t practice my self-imposed boundaries, I become scattered, unhinged and not the person I want to hang out with. When I do practice the rules that works for me, I am more present and engaged to what is going on right in front of me. Frankly, I am a whole lot happier.

 

Let’s talk about social media and your relationship to it. Social media was designed to connect people and yet I experience the complete opposite. I feel unworthy, like a lazy unaccomplished ass, bored and still I fall right into spending as much time as it would take to bake a pie or write a chapter of a book when I concede going down the rabbit hole. I rarely immerge inspired, holding a full cup when I spend more than five minutes on social media, and it is designed for me to spend a lot longer than that. What about you?

 

If you too want to establish new boundaries and create a new relationship with social media here are some Brass Tacks that work for me:

• Post my Story or Post and get off.
• Look at five posts.
• Click past advertisements and sponsored feeds.
• Take all I read with a grain of salt, not as truth.
• Turn off social media notifications.
• Just don’t get on.
• Allow two times a day where I can scroll for less than five minutes.

 

 Brass Tacks that work for clients:

• Delete social media from phone.
• Unplug completely and delete accounts.
• Set a timer for fifteen minutes, timer buzzes, time to stop.
• Do something you LOVE first.

 

You know yourself best, what do you want to try? Create a loving boundary that works for you just as you would create a loving boundary in any other relationship. And finally, here are a few compelling questions to ask yourself when you pick up your phone: Is this nourishing? Is this filling my cup? Am I having fun? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I learning something helpful? Does this feel inspiring, helpful or good? Create your own powerful, commanding question before you find yourself down the rabbit hole, disconnecting from those standing right in front of you or before you get frustrated, annoyed or have fallen into holding an empty cup.

 

I am now approaching my mid-50’s and time is slipping away as our children approach the legal drinking age and are old enough to vote. I can’t get the past back. But maybe, just maybe, lifting my head up more from my hand held device I may not only see new faces, I may gain a few more minutes, more time to witness inevitable change, more time to take ownership and be the one to decide where and how I put my energy and focus.

 

I am grateful for Google Maps notifying me of the time I will reach my destination. And I am grateful for the off button, for that is when I exhale, coming back to the compass within me. You have a  similar compass, its yours and it will tell you what to do next, how to feel and where to go when your phone is in the back seat. Life won’t stop. It will continue at its rapid rate, and you will catch up to what matters, to what you need to know. In the time away from your phone your soul will thank you for the break.

 

Perhaps you are different than me, and don’t fall easily into wasting time on your phone that you would rather spend elsewhere, wonderful. And, if you feel overwhelmed, disconnected and stressed out by your cell phone then I invite you to cultivate new habits with your phone that you find fulfilling and helpful.

 

All relationships morph and change. Life will continue to offer opportunities for more technology, before you plug into it, get clear about what kind of relationship you want to establish with your cell phone and first plug into yourself, she/he/they are waiting.

 

Cheers, Jenny