One of the wonderful things about being a parent is to be in a relationship that is always morphing and changing. With our oldest a junior in college, she and I have discovered our current favorite way to connect, and converse is via video chat. In person doesn’t seem to flow as easily. Catching up through the phone for some reason is engaging and allows us to share on topics that matter as well as the light and fluffy ones. Our youngest is a senior in high school and although we are preparing for him to crap all over the nest before taking flight, we are enjoying the late-night face to face chats. This boy has never had a problem sharing his feelings and has never been one to hold back his emotions.
The not so wonderful thing about being a parent is that the relationships we create with our children are not always easy and can change often. I know I said the same comment about one of the wonderful things about being a parent: change happens. My husband and I were talking about this the other night how interesting it is that each kid of ours chooses the parent that they share particular topics with or withhold altogether. I suppose that is the same with me, some friends I tell things to I don’t tell my husband and vice versa. You learn who is safe. You discover who can hold your story. It is a joy to learn with time who you want to share certain things with and with whom it is best to not say a word.
I have discovered with our children they change with what they can hold and with what they decide to share as they grow older. My hope is to be a container, a safe and comfortable place for them to open up. So far it has proven to be successful. Are there things they don’t tell me? I certainly hope so.
Frankly, I don’t want to know everything. Not in a wearing blinders-fingers in ears sort of way. Rather in a way that they have found others who can support them and hear them in a way different than a parent can.
Some things that have helped:
- I ask what they need from me when they come to me with heaviness on their heart.
- I don’t assume.
- We share funny stories, movies, Tik Toks to keep laughter a big part of our connection.
- I offer suggestions only after receiving permission to do so.
- I listen without fixing.
- I allow space in our togetherness for silence.
What works in your relationships with your children? Keep doing that. Be curious how things can improve by bringing them into the conversation. Seek their opinion on how to best communicate with them.
Know that the next phase and stage is around the corner. Let them in on who you are, also someone who is morphing, growing and changing.
When the connection is good, be in gratitude and when it is challenging, perhaps hellish and you don’t see another option, take a breath. Allow spaciousness.
Cheers, Jenny
