So many hear the dreaded F word, forgiveness, not the profane one that ends with the letter K. I’m referring to the one that requires conscious change and gives you freedom–freedom from the chains you lock up around yourself.  Now some of you may be reminded of your God fearing, religious relative who has urged you to forgive because if you don’t, you will go to hell.  OR maybe you are someone who struggles with self-forgiveness often the hardest of them all when it comes to deep understanding and self-compassion. Perhaps you struggle with this F word because of how you were raised or for extensive personal reasons.

I come to you today not asking you to repent, turn the other cheek or to condone crappy behavior of another who left you feeling wronged and hurt. I come to you with self-compassion, personal truth and a gentle invitation to consider self-forgiveness in a way you may have never pondered. I offer the idea of forgiving yourself for what you haven’t done, did do, forgot to do and for all the mean thoughts you have believed about yourself.

Last Friday morning, running a few minutes later than intended, like I do just about every time I write with my writing partner, Sonya, who happens to live down the street. I noticed something. I noticed that I had made drastic improvement by leaving the house two minutes before I needed to be at her house instead of leaving past the appointed expected arrival time. Good work Jenny. But then I immediately started berating my usual practice of leaving the house past the time I am expected to arrive. Why can’t you get moving quicker on your writing day? Why did you choose to work out, meditate and clean the kitchen all before 9 am? My typical stacking up of the activities and piling on of desired accomplishment all without leaving time for the basics like eating breakfast and brushing teeth. After berating myself and moving on to resolution and absolution, holding my bowl of yogurt and berries up to my mouth and spooning myself my first meal of the day as I walked the two-block distance, I noticed what was needed.  Forgiveness. Ok, I hadn’t achieved all I had intended but did that have to make me less than, not worthy, a bad person or a total looser? No.

Do you do that too? Measure yourself and your actions with disdain, judgement and a long fat, heavy ruler? Wanted to do this, wanted to do that? Ugh, forgot that I also wanted to do such and such.

It was on the second bite of black berries and flaxseed that I exhaled. Forgive yourself Jenny, it’s a daily practice. I know this voice. It’s a voice I once called God but have grown to not worry so much about what it is called and for simplicity and ease, I call it my Cup. The voice of love, best self, the soul who wants me to remember I am okay as is and that beating myself up with daily ruler raps to the knuckles does nothing for no one.

I have daily morning rituals that help me tap into this loving support, but my humanness and life got in the way. Being ill with some mystery virus for most of April and a good part of May I fell out of the habit of starting my day with a hand to my heart and a deep breath before whispering to myself, I love you, all is well, you have everything you need. And not to place blame on illness or the fact that our young adult children have filled the nest again for the summer–I notice with these two events I took on a new measuring stick. This yardstick came with a whole new criterion, one that leaves me out of the equation and puts everyone else first. No one needs, expects or asks me to make their coffee or prepare family meals, I simply want to. This leads to more dishes, more of my time and energy going to other things that then leave less time and energy for self. The consequence being, I run late, I run a few minutes behind. Resulting in me on the back burner.  Me, the one who wrote an entire book about this very topic of not putting ourselves on the back burner.

We are human. We forget.

I got out of the habit of starting the day with self-love and compassion. And this is where forgiving myself MUST come in. Jenny, it isn’t bad that you spent yesterday doing things with and for your family. Can you give yourself time to adjust to a full house, can you be patient in the unfolding of relearning who you are and how you want to show up in the world? Are you willing to give yourself grace as you begin again? Yes, I can. Yes, I must.

Putting the spoon back in my bowl, now twenty paces from my friend’s house, where the tea kettle was hot, I put my free hand on my heart and whispered, it’s okay, forgiving yourself is a daily practice.

What if a fresh start for ourselves every day was needed? What if we set down the ruler and said Fuck It, I am forgiving myself for this action, inaction and now I am tapped into mindfulness for the next time? Now armed with awareness, an armload of compassion and understanding, empowered with food for thought for the next time.

We will keep practicing. Falling down, getting back up. Reset the burners, remembering to put our needs first and perhaps lessening the expectation list. Believing we will know how to do it differently the next go around and today we will remind ourselves that we are okay as is, we are enough, as we whisper words of endearment, being our number one fan and showing up for ourselves.

Imagine if everyone practiced this. It would be fuckin’ cool, wouldn’t it?

Cheers, Jenny